Boy: Facebook keeps asking me "what’s on my mind?"
and it's always you.
Durga neupane..............Hilarious one or two line jokes
Question: If you catch it, you will throw it away. If you don't catch it, you will keep it. What is it?
Answer: Lice
Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!
Why shouldn't you hold a DVD upside down?
Because the data might fall down.
Santa to Banta: I don't have an internet connection at home. Can you please copy the internet on this pen drive for me?
Question: Which day of the week is most hated by fish?
Answer: Fry Day
Short Jokes
Man 1: My son is not listening to anything I say.
Man 2: Is he so adamnant?
Man 1: No, he is deaf.
What do you call a deeply burnt food item in your lunch that is not recogonizable?
UFO: Unidentified Fried Object.
Girl 1: Oh I am doomed! That's my husband coming with my lover!
Girl 2: I was about to say the same-thing too!
Man to miser: Why do you always remove the batteries from the clock and keep them outside?
Miser: I want to extend the battery life and hence I put them in the clock only when I want to see the time.
Ponderism:
Before going to sleep you can say Good Night.
But before waking up can you say Good Morning?
The insult
My brother is a terrible musician. The other day he asked my sister if she had heard his last recital.
She replied: "I certainly hope so".
LOL
Man 1: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.
Man 2: Cool, how much did it cost?
Man 1: The time is three past ten.
The well behaved son
Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn't he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.
Funny Patients and Doctors
Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.
A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?".
The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".
Doctor and Patient
Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.
Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone.
Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.
Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.
Mother in law and the clock
My wife complained the other day that our kitchen clock almost killed her mother.
It fell seconds after where she had been sitting. That darned clock always was slow.
Stale
An elderly married couple were walking in the park the other day and noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, kissing passionately.
The wife asked, "Why don't you do like that man?"
The husband replied, "I don't even know that woman!"
Dumb and Dumber
Friend 1: Is it true that your wife talks to herself when she is alone?
Friend 2: I don't know. I wasn't with her when she was alone.
Doctor's advice
Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.
Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.
Thieves in the kitchen
Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I thinkthey are now eating the food I made last night.
Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance then.
Husband and Wife
My wife always told me that if I wanted breakfast in bed, then I would have to sleep in the kitchen
Husband: Do you know that John who lives next door has two girlfriends unknown to wife.
Wife: Who is the other one?
Silly Amy
Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea miss"
Teacher told angrily: "Bark, Amy".
Amy: "Bow Wow Wow Miss"
Sick and Silly PJ
Teacher: How many letters are there totally in "A.B.C.D"?
Student: 4
Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just "A.B.C.D"
Student: 52
Teacher: What?! How?
Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.
From the mouth of kids
Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something that I didn't do.
Mother: That's very bad of your teacher. What was it that you didn't do?
Girl: The homework.
Months of the year
Teacher: What is the first month?
Student: January
Teacher: What is the second month?
Student: February
Teacher: What is the tenth month?
Student: Delivery
Employee, Boss and Office
Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.
Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.
My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".
One Liners
Good resolutions are like beautiful girls: they are easy to make but hard to keep.
Have you ever wondered why Tarzan never has a beard?
Why do they always use sterilised needles when giving lethal injections?
Knock Knock Max
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just open up and let me in!
Bean soup and the dumb waiter
A man in a hotel: Waiter, there is a dead fly in my bean soup.
Waiter: Oh, the hot soup must have killed it sir.
The funny soup
Customer in a hotel: Waiter, this soup tastes funny!
Waiter: Oh!, the chef must have been laughing when he prepared it sir.
Two men in a bar
Two men were chatting in a bar. One says "Where are you from?".
Second man replies "I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition".
"Alright" says the first man, "Where are you from idiot?"
Lady next door
Man1: Your kid just looks like you.
Man2: Shhh, not so loud. That's the next door lady's kid.
Man and his son joke
Man 1: My son does not listen to anything that I say.
Man 2: Is he so adamnant?
Man 1: No, he is deaf.
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